Doubt and Conviction

Going through my aunt Manu's things today with Davana Brown (who got back from the USA only yesterday) I found a small piece of paper with this typed on it:

 

"Don't be afraid to 'doubt' - it is right to do so, for in doing so we are NOT doubting His words, but we are (very rightly) doubting our capacity to understand His language...which is a truth too big to fit into our mind's alphabet.   If we translated His language into our understanding and measured our faith by that, we would be binding Him with our littleness and really doubting Him. But doubting our translation of what he says is not wrong - in doing so we are realising His greatness and our littleness.."

 

Doubt is something that we, who were with Him when He was still physically present among us, have all experienced.  Even Eruch, who was Baba's constant companion, His interpreter and the one the Avatar called 'His friend', said that he had doubts from time to time.  When my son  Sheriar was in his mid-teens he once announced that he didn't believe that Baba was the Avatar or God.  He was going through a confusing time in his life and couldn't find the reassurance that he sought in his Baba.  When my mum got upset and complained to Eruch, she was told to keep totally quiet and let him process his connection with Baba by  himself.  He has done, and whatever his connection is, he keeps it very private.  But when he comes to Meherabad and places his head on the Samadhi, I feel that Baba is keeping him very safe indeed!

 

My moments of doubt are fleeting and often bubble up in the middle of a conversation with Baba Himself!  I find myself saying, "Here I am telling you all this, are you even listening?  Are you God?  Why do I have to tell you all my concerns and worries, as God You should be able to see for Yourself."  What I find is truly amazing for myself is how my conviction has grown that He is the One I want to surrender to.  Why worry whether He is God or not God? He is my anchor in life and that is what I hold on to.  Call it Baba's Damaan or whatever you want, I am holding on with both hands!