Doubt and Conviction

Going through my aunt Manu's things today with Davana Brown (who got back from the USA only yesterday) I found a small piece of paper with this typed on it:

 

"Don't be afraid to 'doubt' - it is right to do so, for in doing so we are NOT doubting His words, but we are (very rightly) doubting our capacity to understand His language...which is a truth too big to fit into our mind's alphabet.   If we translated His language into our understanding and measured our faith by that, we would be binding Him with our littleness and really doubting Him. But doubting our translation of what he says is not wrong - in doing so we are realising His greatness and our littleness.."

 

Doubt is something that we, who were with Him when He was still physically present among us, have all experienced.  Even Eruch, who was Baba's constant companion, His interpreter and the one the Avatar called 'His friend', said that he had doubts from time to time.  When my son  Sheriar was in his mid-teens he once announced that he didn't believe that Baba was the Avatar or God.  He was going through a confusing time in his life and couldn't find the reassurance that he sought in his Baba.  When my mum got upset and complained to Eruch, she was told to keep totally quiet and let him process his connection with Baba by  himself.  He has done, and whatever his connection is, he keeps it very private.  But when he comes to Meherabad and places his head on the Samadhi, I feel that Baba is keeping him very safe indeed!

 

My moments of doubt are fleeting and often bubble up in the middle of a conversation with Baba Himself!  I find myself saying, "Here I am telling you all this, are you even listening?  Are you God?  Why do I have to tell you all my concerns and worries, as God You should be able to see for Yourself."  What I find is truly amazing for myself is how my conviction has grown that He is the One I want to surrender to.  Why worry whether He is God or not God? He is my anchor in life and that is what I hold on to.  Call it Baba's Damaan or whatever you want, I am holding on with both hands! 

Don't Worry, Be Happy.

The 'Don't worry, Be happy' message that Meher Baba gave us is well known. It's been the punch line of a song, the cards with His message have brought many to Him over the years, and most think of it as a feel-good quote from the Avatar.

Many years ago I was on a visit to India with my son Sheriar, then just a toddler. I was at a really unhappy stage in my life, my marriage was in the doldrums, I was really not happy and it showed. On a visit to Meherazad Mani (Baba's sister), in her loving manner, decided to have a talk with me about it. She asked me to come with her to her verandah to fetch some toys for Sheriar and the other kids to play with. Once there, her true motive for the invitation became clear, and she asked me some very pointed questions about my life, my marriage and my plans for the future.

Since I needed to talk, I told her all that was going on. After hearing me out patiently, Mani did not, as I had expected, give me a hug and say 'Baba will take care of it all, leave it to Him.' She started reminiscing about when I was a baby. She reminded me of how He was always so careful to ensure that I was happy. My parents had an order that I should never be smacked, even when provoked. He had told them, 'If you hurt her, you will be hurting Me.' Mani then went on to ask what I understood from Baba's 'Don't worry, be happy' message. When I said something trite, she turned to me very stern and serious.

This is what she said. 'Mehera, this is not just something to print on cards and Baba pictures. This is His most important order to us. If we live our lives in a way that lets us follow this order, we help Baba in His work. Remember that He wanted you to be happy. We owe it to Baba, if not to ourselves, to try to follow this order in our lives. If something or someone stands in the way of your following His order, then you must do everything in your power to get rid of that thing or person.'

If this sounds like Mani was advocating that marriage is not important, then it is not so. She was aware of how many years had gone into my trying to stay with my ex-husband. She also knew that I was concerned about how the break when it came would impact on my relationship with the Mandali. What she was making clear was that when you have done everything in your power in any given situation, and it still did not work, it was time to let go. I always knew that when it was time to let go, Baba would let me know. And He did. It was a further three years down the line, but it happened. At that time Mani's comment was, 'I am happy. I've been waiting six years for you to say this to me.'

Apart from the message Mani gave about Baba's order, what was driven home to me was how vigilant and observant she was. She had realized three years before our conversation, that I was not happy. She had not said anything to me in all this time, observing what I did and what the results were. Only when she was convinced that I had put in 110%, did she speak to me about it. Lovely Mani, how I miss her! Oh, and in case you are wondering, we did take the toys out to the kids to play with, eventually!